the search

as a certain type of personality in the enneagram, according to experts, i have one main issue in life. the first time i heard of it, i just could not believe it  because i felt it just wouldn't apply to me. i was getting that thing all the time from my friends and my family, especially my mom. so the fact that i lack it or the fact that i was in search of it just didn't make any sense.

however, yesterday, something sealed my fate. sealed into this issue for life. well, not really for life. only, perhaps, half of it. the point is i will never get over this thing unless i do something about it. something which will take some time, some time = half my life because i tend to not face problems and only act on them when its almost nearly too late. i cram. not only with schoolwork but also with my personal issues. 

moving on, since i am one confused person, i found it really hard to figure out that what the experts said about me and what happened yesterday were all saying the same thing. and for a moment i refused to acknowledge their diagnosis of me. it was just wrong. too wrong for me. but yesterday, it became too right. too right such that it blinded me too much with enlightenment. 

and the thing is i have always, actually, really wanted this thing. been wanting it really bad all these years. and since i have never actually been getting it, i somehow have resigned to self pity. but then again what the heck, self pity wont get me anywhere so i focused on not-thinking-about-it.