stream of consciousness
right now I am experiencing technical difficulties with regard my psychological make-up.
i am pretty much messed up right now and i know pretty well that the only person who can save myself is ultimately--myself.
i am at a point in my life when, although this is not the right time to do these things, i am questioning the decisions i made in my life. I think back to my recent past and life in Cagayan de Oro. A life of simplicity and joy and fun and love and happiness. Things that really matter in life, i left there. why oh why did i decide to study here in Manila? why am i here?
Everything here has been dark and murky and melancholic for me. I miss my old self. My responsible, determined, I-can-do-it-all-no-matter-what-happens self. Back then I could always achieve anything, everything i set my heart, mind and soul into. Back then, I could do anything. Back then i could still smile. right now, things are just not going my way and im on the verge of giving up. right now, i just want to break down and cry. but since i haven't slept yet and my eyes are tired, i shall save the tears for yet another frustrating day.
sigh.
gasp.
the reason why ive been wanting to die lately is because i need to punish myself. somehow being here in Manila has created a different me. another part of me who suppressed my old happy, but still bitchy, self. And so i feel like i dont know the person that i am right now. I clearly am not myself. I am becoming more and more irresponsible by the day and i freaking know its not right but i still continue doing these stupid ways of mine. but the greater punishment for me would be to face the consequences of my actions. but then i want to spare my real and old self the pain and humiltation of the consequences of the actions of my present self that is why i want to just die. or disappear. or as i keep on saying, i should never have been me. i should never have been created. i should never have existed.
Thinking about the consequence of my actions has not been enough for me to halt these ways of mine. the thoughts are dreadful but somehow, the recurring feeling i get from myself is that of insusceptability. I guess i got tired from worrying too much in the past or perhaps i just decided to crash amidst all the pressure without me even noticing it.
I miss my family. I miss the simplicity of Cagayan de Oro. I miss those moments when I still had the courage to dream. I miss those moments when i firmly believed i could survive Ateneo. But staying here is not merely about passing subjects and academics. I have other demons to face and fight. Demons that were nonexistent when i was back home. Im not entirely sure which word i could use to summarize what i feel right now. It could be nostalgia, exhaustion or frustration. Right now all that im sure of is that i am nursing a growing sentiment of pessimism in life.
one day you just might see me officially in the dark side. as i am now in the gray. dark gray turning pitch balck. tomorrow, doom might just present itself to me. and since I am my own nemesis and savior it will take time for me to decide which one ill listen to. and then maybe by then it'll be too late.
well, just in case.
goodbye.
i am pretty much messed up right now and i know pretty well that the only person who can save myself is ultimately--myself.
i am at a point in my life when, although this is not the right time to do these things, i am questioning the decisions i made in my life. I think back to my recent past and life in Cagayan de Oro. A life of simplicity and joy and fun and love and happiness. Things that really matter in life, i left there. why oh why did i decide to study here in Manila? why am i here?
Everything here has been dark and murky and melancholic for me. I miss my old self. My responsible, determined, I-can-do-it-all-no-matter-what-happens self. Back then I could always achieve anything, everything i set my heart, mind and soul into. Back then, I could do anything. Back then i could still smile. right now, things are just not going my way and im on the verge of giving up. right now, i just want to break down and cry. but since i haven't slept yet and my eyes are tired, i shall save the tears for yet another frustrating day.
sigh.
gasp.
the reason why ive been wanting to die lately is because i need to punish myself. somehow being here in Manila has created a different me. another part of me who suppressed my old happy, but still bitchy, self. And so i feel like i dont know the person that i am right now. I clearly am not myself. I am becoming more and more irresponsible by the day and i freaking know its not right but i still continue doing these stupid ways of mine. but the greater punishment for me would be to face the consequences of my actions. but then i want to spare my real and old self the pain and humiltation of the consequences of the actions of my present self that is why i want to just die. or disappear. or as i keep on saying, i should never have been me. i should never have been created. i should never have existed.
Thinking about the consequence of my actions has not been enough for me to halt these ways of mine. the thoughts are dreadful but somehow, the recurring feeling i get from myself is that of insusceptability. I guess i got tired from worrying too much in the past or perhaps i just decided to crash amidst all the pressure without me even noticing it.
I miss my family. I miss the simplicity of Cagayan de Oro. I miss those moments when I still had the courage to dream. I miss those moments when i firmly believed i could survive Ateneo. But staying here is not merely about passing subjects and academics. I have other demons to face and fight. Demons that were nonexistent when i was back home. Im not entirely sure which word i could use to summarize what i feel right now. It could be nostalgia, exhaustion or frustration. Right now all that im sure of is that i am nursing a growing sentiment of pessimism in life.
one day you just might see me officially in the dark side. as i am now in the gray. dark gray turning pitch balck. tomorrow, doom might just present itself to me. and since I am my own nemesis and savior it will take time for me to decide which one ill listen to. and then maybe by then it'll be too late.
well, just in case.
goodbye.
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