boring..

depression. it would seep through your veins, into your bloodstream, affects your oxygen circulation, reaches your brain, enters your brain cells but most importantly, it damages the heart.

depression, like many other complex stuff about the human mind is well.. very complex. alot of people deal with it in many many different ways. some would commit suicide, some would hurt themselves physically (but still continue to live)--masochistic in other words, some would withdraw themselves to the world and hide in self pity and personal anxiety. on the other hand, some would continue to live a normal life hiding every bit and parcel of pain inside. that's what damages the heart most.

among all the other ways of dealing with depression, i find the last one most tragic, most dangerous of all. i believe that expressing yourself is very important, be it through you art, your friends, your journal or your most trusted confidant. however, there will really come a time when one would feel lost. so lost, you feel like your friends can't even help you. you feel so alone even your family can not seem to be enough as your source of strength. you feel helpless and you are. there's nothing sadder than feeling alone and lost. yes, there maybe people around you but they just can't help. that's really rather sad.

now you guys may wonder why i wrote all these. simple really- i am depressed. i had two friends back in high school whose way of dealing with depression was to stick together and live in darkness. of course, we, their friends, tried to help them out but we felt like whatever we did was not enough to make them happy, lighter and a little less depressed. i never understood them then. however, right now i guess I'm going thru what they went through.

for people who see me and know me, they would not be able to say i look depressed but that would not mean that i am not. i really am. but i have a different take on depression, I'm trying to live my normal life. i show the normal me to my friends, the mean, bitchy, funny, whatever it is that i am to them which apparently, they enjoy very much. but deep inside i am scorning myself. really, i am.

to my dear friends, if you ever read this, if you care, please do not ask me about this post. i do not wish to talk to you guys about these things. i will go through this on my own. just stay by my side and i will really appreciate it but don't try talking to me about it, i might end up hurting you. if i do not happen to go thru this alive, be assured that you have touched my life and you being there is enough. ill do this on my own. and i promise, i won't be that gloomy person who tries to spread lethal dark disease to harm you all. ill be the perky me.

i have alot to say about my depression and about my college life. but i guess, this is enough for you guys to know.