In control

I dont like the feeling of being emotionally vulnerable. And i usually equate emotional vulnerability with love (of the romantic kind). There is just something about being in a relationship with someone, committing yourself to him, understanding him, taking great consideration of his feelings and needs; and for some people, it involves measuring their very being to the success or downfall of such relationship.

I hate being vulnerable. I fell in love once and it didn't go quite well. I hate being subjected to that kind of torment. The first time's been an incredibly negative experience that no matter how people tell me that the state of falling in love with someone is a genuinely life altering experience in the most positive and dynamic way, all I can think about is that fact that in falling in love, you subject yourself to your feelings and you will, for as long as your in love with that person, be enslaved by it.

Which is why right now, i basically have no life. No romantic life, no social life. Nothing much going on.

And as much as i do aspire for that one romantic relationship in my life, the greatest part is in keeping it an aspiration than to face disappointment in not meeting your expectations.

So, the intro pretty much did not make sense.

The important part of this blog is this: that there is someone who might fall in love with me and that someone is a friend with complicated relationships.

I have this really close friend right now whose been there for me through one of the roughest patches i had this year. He's a listener so its really easy to share things with him. He doesn't judge and he's supportive and he does not impose. He's shared some of the most crazy aspects of his life with me. He and his various girls. And it is all VERY VERY complicated. I didn't judge him, of course. That is HIS crazy life.

And we spend quite some time together but never too much. We just happen to be like each other's company when studying.

You see, if this happened around 3 years ago I would have read into all our moments together, over think it and then manipulate myself into falling-in-love-but-never-admit-it-ahhhh-i-hate-this-feeling-this-needs-to-die state.

But I've known better, thanks to my first heartbreak.

So i never read into any of it and i have told myself not to consider it. EVER. because i would only be in for a major headache. oh and a heartache too. No girl in her right mind would EVER EVER EVER associate herself romantically with a guy with his kind of history and relationship dynamic. It would be emotional suicide.

And since i pride myself for being a girl with a RATIONAL MIND, i would never ever be in that kind of position. And even if i did find myself there, i will stop myself at ALL COST.

Right now though, I am not yet in danger. Not even near. Because i know when i'm denying something within myself. This situation does not call for it.

So. i actually wrote this to keep myself in check. My tendency to over think makes EVERYTHING go out of proportion.

While i honestly believe he will not fall in love with me simply because i am not his type and because he simply will NOT fall in love with me, my other friends do present valid arguments.

He's an emotionally unstable guy and I am an emotional control freak and for that matter, i am one big wall of emotional strength. He needed someone like me amidst all the chaos of his personal relationships with all his girls. I do acknowledge that but i don't think its enough to fall in love with someone. Although the security that creates would make one think of other comforts and affections but though i think he's emotionally immature, i don't think he's that naive and immature to think or feel anything into it.

I do pray none of us would fall into our friend's worry and prediction. I like what we are as we are. Just the way it is.

Anything which would complicate that is just too much. I don't like complicated.

And he's already an important friend. i have learned that love and friendship do not mix. Unless, its sure and would eventually lead to the altar. Otherwise, love and friendship will always be oil and water. even worse, they threaten each other's existence.

and i had to choose love or friendship, i'd choose friendship without batting an eyelash.